If you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer, you might feel a bit nervous about sharing the news with friends and family. Those feelings are totally normal. But it’s important to remember that in fighting your breast cancer, your loved ones can be your biggest supporters and allies.  

To make sure those closest to you can help you properly, there are a few things to keep in mind before sharing your diagnosis, says Julie Larson, LCSW. Larson is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in New York City and a former Young Adult Program Director at CancerCare. She speaks regularly at cancer survivorship conferences on the mental and emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis. 

Larson offered these 9 insights from her work with breast cancer patients. 

1. Understand yourself first

“All communication begins with understanding yourself,” says Larson. She recommends asking yourself these three questions after a diagnosis: 

• Do I understand all that I need to know about my medical diagnosis of breast cancer? If something is unclear, reach out to your doctor as soon as possible. 
• Do I understand how I feel right now, so I’m ready and able to tell someone else? Try writing down your feelings and reading them to yourself in a quiet place. Once you’re able to put your emotions and thoughts into words, you’re likely ready to tell another person.    
• What do I really need from those around me during my journey? Are you going to need caring for, or will you need to take a leave of absence from work? Will you need help with everyday living, or just emotional support? Again, if you don’t know the answers to these questions, your doctor can help. 

(If you’re struggling to manage the changes and emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis, don’t go it alone. You have access to mental health support through Wellframe, your digital health management app. Log in or download the app today to learn more.)

2. Know who you’ll talk to first 

Start by asking yourself who you’re most comfortable revealing such personal news to. “Think about your history and other big moments in your life. Who are those people you know respond to you in a way that makes you feel understood, in a way you feel supported and cared for?” asks Larson. 

When you’ve identified those family and friends, set up a time to chat with them in person in the following weeks. Slowly add people as you begin to feel comfortable talking about your diagnosis. 

3. Set the tone

When you’ve chosen whom you’ll talk to, decide what kind of attitude and approach you’ll take that you want others to follow. Maybe the tone is optimistic and funny, or maybe it’s quiet and reserved. Some people you tell may try to steer the conversation. “Unfortunately, it’s on you to teach other people how you want to be treated and cared for,” says Larson. “Your tone of voice sends subtle communication hints to others.” 

4. Stick to the basics

When you first tell someone about your diagnosis, you may want to keep it simple and grounded in the step you are on today. What you’ll say depends on your personality and the personality of the person you’re telling. 
 
If you’re stuck for what to say, Larson recommends this: “I just heard back from my doctor, and I got some pretty tough news. I’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. And I’m still learning what that means and my treatment plan. But I just wanted to let you know because you’re an important part of my team.” 
 
“At the beginning, you don’t need to say much more,” adds Larson. 

5. Be ready for unexpected reactions

Not everyone will react to the news the way you expect them to. Some may even make awkward or hurtful comments. “People can have a lot of strong opinions about your treatment,” warns Larson. 
 
Having to manage other people’s reactions can be exhausting. It helps to have an elevator speech for those times, says Larson. For unsolicited advice, Larson recommends: “Thanks, but I have a great medical team. I have a great treatment plan.” 

And if someone doesn’t offer you the kind of support you need or makes you feel uncomfortable? Don’t feel pressured to stay in contact with them about your diagnosis or treatment. 

(Get help tracking your appointments, medications, and more through Wellframe, your health management app. Log in or download the app today.)

6. Take the long approach

“Talking about cancer is never just one conversation,” says Larson. “Over time, you can add more information.” It’s also okay to rethink what you’ll share and who you’ll share it with. 

7. Appoint a contact person

As your treatment progresses, you may get overwhelmed, or simply not feel well enough to keep up with conversations. Your priority should be on getting well. Choose someone you trust to be your spokesperson during those times.  

Keeping just one person up to date on how you’re doing takes much less time and energy. At the same time, that person will keep you connected with your support group. “Let other people know that if they can’t reach you, it’s okay to reach this person,” says Larson.  

8. Don’t feel pressured to post

In an era of oversharing on social media, some breast cancer patients may feel pressure to post sweeping announcements over Facebook or Instagram. But how much, or how little, you share is entirely up to you. “There is no right or wrong,” says Larson. “It’s a very personal thing. It’s based on who you are and your history.” 

9. Think about blogging

Another way to tell others about your diagnosis is through a personal blog. It’s not for everyone, says Larson. But many find that writing is a good way of coping with their cancer diagnosis and sharing their journey with friends and family. 

In the end, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all plan to share your breast cancer diagnosis. “If you start with self-reflection, it helps to smooth communication throughout your treatment,” says Larson.